Autumn Leaves

I've loved Nat King Cole's style of singing since I was little, and heard Lazy Crazy Hazy Days on the radio, and one of his much-loved songs came to mind the other day as I swept up the windfall pears in the drive;

I've often thought that the falling leaves are like the tears of the tree, as it fades into its bare winter aspect; the job of fertility has been achieved for this year, the fruits gathered (or, as in my case, allowed to plummet!)....the tree has had a brief time of stardom while everyone admires its crop, but once harvested, it is yet again ignored...

Until the spring, when it will sprout forth new leaf buds; one of the first heralds of the new season. The pear tree at the back of my house was planted here by the previous owners, some time before I was born, so it has to be well over fifty years old. It was part of a garden orchard; nearly all of the other trees have gone, but we felt that the pear tree, hugely overgrown as it was, deserved to stay. The birds like it; squirrels use it as a handy escape route; my two cats enjoy flying up its huge trunk; my previous neighbour brewed the most potent pear wine from its fruit, and this year one of my workmates made chutney with the pears.

I'm glad it's still here.

Venting

There seems to be a lot of stuff around at the mo in respect of “cosmic ordering”....the way I understand this is, we visualise what we want in our lives, and lo and behold, it will manifest itself. Of course, I could have got this concept completely wrong; maybe someone will come along to put me right. [hey, should I visualise that happening?]

The implication seems to be that we get what we ask for....we get what we deserve, in a way. I don’t think I agree with this. I’ve had two major relationships in my life with, ultimately, unavailable men. The first became unavailable in the latter years of our marriage because he was pissed, for increasingly longer amounts of time. Until he became terminally unavailable.

The second was unavailable due to stuff in his life that he didn’t want to lose. I feel that a heap of bricks and mortar and belongings are more important to him than I am. Which is fair enough...we all make our own choices in life, and I wasn’t his. But, did I ask to be second fiddle to a house, and a bottle? Did I deserve what I got? Maybe....and maybe not. I have my faults (yes, really!); I was by no means the perfect wife – but, did I really ask the Universe for all of this? Is the Universe slightly hard of hearing? Or does it employ the same warehouse staff as Next Directory? “Oh, sorry – you asked for an hygienic single man with own hair and teeth.....I do apologise, we’ll arrange a collection and re-delivery first thing tomorrow”.

That’s the other thing I find rather odd...the amount of magazine articles and internet sites assuring you that you can easily Find Love – Find The Man Of Your Dreams. As if finding said man was like shopping – you pop down to the supermarket and they’re lined up on the shelves, row after row of identikit men all the same. On the shelf below you might find the Morrison’s Value range in yellow wrapping, less than a quarter of the price, but still all the same fundamentally. Has anyone ever pointed out to the writers of said articles that no, it doesn’t work like that? That the Man Of Your Dreams is going to be the one who’s unavailable, and none of the others will do? Or even come close? “Yes, I know, it walks and talks just like all the others – but it’s not HIM!” Incredibly shallow. The heart wants what the heart wants, and it won’t be fobbed off by just another pair of trousers. No - it really doesn’t work like that.

There are Growing Up points in our lives....one of mine was when I realised that no, I wasn’t going to get the outcome I had hoped for. That yes, you’re on your own and you’re going to stay that way. That the man I truly love isn’t going to be mine. That life is really quite shit at times. I know that ranting is futile, but I can’t help feeling angry. Cheated. What happened to True Love that Lasts Forever? Yes – it lasts all right, but what use is it when the person you love is no longer around, and never likely to be? Where’s your bloody Cosmic Ordering then? Yeah – down the plughole, along with everything else.

Maybe tomorrow will be better.

You never know......