Friday, 11 November 2011

Urgh! Life is too short to fart around.

I’m just getting over a bout of what was, apparently, vertigo. Most unpleasant. The most frightening thing was the feeling of vulnerability and isolation and the knowledge that I was alone with three little critters depending on me for their basic needs (ie, food). I have to say that I felt better for two valued friends who I was able to call on. Liz, for your reassuring nursing voice telling me what the likely cause was (you were right) and the knowledge that you were there ready to get help if it were needed. And Dave for coming straight down despite our break-up and his own difficulties. I am humbly grateful. So although I was still feeling ghastly, I then didn’t feel so alone.

Being forced to take time off work and being relatively unable to rush around like normal, getting Stuff done, has given me time to take stock. Being so ill so unexpectedly has come as a wake-up call too. Vertigo can be, I find after a quick Google search, brought on by stress and depression. Of course I have no way of knowing what the cause was, so I'm not automatically stating stress as a cause. Just a possibility.

I have undoubtedly felt a return of the depression over the past weeks, unsurprisingly. I have felt powerless in the face of opposition, whether from Dave himself or his wife I have no way of knowing, but I have felt invalidated, a nuisance, unwanted, no longer needed. I realise that some of my own actions have had a large part to play here, they were the result of pain and hurt and frustration, which isn’t to excuse them. But it wasn’t all my doing. My own instinct for justice kicks in very easily and I will not be misrepresented, I have to have the chance to put the record straight, as I see it. I have allowed myself to be misused and have allowed others to do so. That was my failing.

I have gone into work every day holding my own personal grief to myself, because I have too much pride and misplaced self-respect to burden myself onto my work colleagues. Facing each day has been an effort; in fact, I haven’t wanted to face the day because I have not wanted to face the reality of where I am. I have questions with no answers. Questions that go round and round because they have no place to be shelved. I have been blessed with two angels who have listened without criticism, or interference, or unwanted advice. They have just listened, understood, and loved unconditionally.

Another ending which I didn’t want to have to face, but I have done. I have played too passive a role in my own life over the years...I have allowed others to make my decisions for me, to shape my life for me and to give impulse to my actions. Now it is down to me to take control over the rest of my life and to steer its course in the direction I want it to go in.

Something that I think holds many of us back is fear. In my case the fear has been that of losing....losing Kent, losing Dave, losing control. Being alone. I have lived in fear of ending up alone...but guess what? I DO live alone! How ridiculous is that? I waste countless hours worrying about what might happen, when the reality is that each day comes and goes with its own particular issues, and I am still ok. So what is there to fear, really? I am already facing that fear, without even realising it.

My biggest fault has been that of concentrating too much on the wrong areas. Spending hours worrying about what another person is or isn’t doing. Worrying about what is going on behind my back. Worrying about whether or not I am being lied to. Where someone else spends the night. What he thinks of other people...and so on, and so on, and so on. How does any of this worry benefit me? Worrying about things I cannot change. Instead of thinking about things I can influence, that I can do, that are within my grasp. Missing out on opportunities because I have been too preoccupied with stuff that really, doesn’t matter. I have so much, and yet I long for what I cannot have.

Time to stop worrying, to leave the past behind, and to really start living. Because with every day that passes, there is one day less to be lived.


Thursday, 3 November 2011

New comforts!

My cup runneth over....not only do I have a new floor in the living room, [polishes nails against jumper in nonchalant manner], I also have a settee and chair, care of two lovely people I met via Dave (ok, his mum and dad). Hoping they'll come down and have a look - their furniture does look great in here and I am really grateful to them for their kindness and generosity.

I am lucky. And blessed.


1st November

(Posting this after the event - my laptop has been in for repair until I thankfully had it back earlier this afternoon)

All Saints Day. Here I am at 9am, enjoying a leisurely breakfast, having sliced a load of cheap oranges which are now drying slowly in the oven, for Yule wreaths and decorations. The sun is now shining, there are still roses blooming outside, and thanks to John yesterday I now have a nice patch of bare, dug and raked soil. The cats and dog are happy, their world is good as far as I can tell; I am feeling good for having an early start to the day, and Radio 3 played Bach's violin concerto in A just for me (well, it seemed that way); the sofa and chair are being delivered on feels like things are coming together.

Learned this morning of another person who has lost a loved one...a reminder if it were needed, that it's important to cherish each day, to make the most of every moment. I admit I'm the world's worst at this, with my tendency to sink into melancholy and demotivation, but I sometimes remind myself that each day really is a gift.

Hugs and comfort to everyone grieving today....we don't forget our loved ones, they live on in our hearts and our memories.



Postscript: today my boss told us about her friend's daughter, who has died suddenly aged just 17, five months pregnant....then later on In Tune, pianist Marcelo Bratke described his successful eye operation at the age of 44; previous to that, he only had 7% vision in his good eye. He described the wonder of something so mundane as a plastic cup of water. Both these things reminded me of being grateful for the good things in life, however small.

Great friendships are somewhat larger!!! - love and thanks to Liz and Lizzie. You know what for.